An excerpt from Dom Lane’s 27 volume, leviathan tome “SCC vs TGA Rangers Match Report”:

Aside from tiger numbers rising for the first time in a century, and Team GB finishing second in the Olympic games, 2016 was a difficult year. In addition to Brexit and Trump, the world struggled with the combined losses of Bowie, Rickman, Wogan, Cruyff, Ronnie Corbett, Prince, Dario Fo, Muhammad Ali, Fidel Castro, Leonard Cohen, Zaha Hadid, Gary Shandling… and of course Harambe the Gorilla.

2016 was tough on all of us.

An educated soul would rightly conclude that this was divine retribution in its purest form. The residents of Mount Olympus were unhappy and Zeus was showing his disdain, at the fact that the SCC Firsts had not obtained yet another Cosmo League title last year.

Fortunately last Saturday brought an opportunity to lift the global gloom. Perennial Cosmo titans, SCC Firsts, came together with TGA Rangers in a winner takes all clash (sort of) at Dempsey. TGA Rangers were of course last year’s Champions, and the only team capable of catching the SCC to the title.

The match started in sprightly fashion with Liam and Kike linking well for the SCC, with the effervescent Aleks upfront. The Stonehaven Stud, Hutch, in an unaccustomed attacking role and freed from his usual defensive duties also combined well on the right flank. The deadlock was finally broken at around the fifteen minute mark; Liam with a fantastic finish from just outside the box, on the left. 1-0 SCC.

Despite falling behind, Rangers continued to work hard. They came close to equalizing a few times, but were forestalled by Jack’s excellent last ditch tackling. A further defensive error eventually saw Rangers draw level. 1-1 the score line – which was how it stayed going in to the break.

The second half began in much the same fashion as the first ended. The SCC displaying uncharacteristic levity on the ball, coupled with inordinate amounts of frivolity in and around the box.

With Rangers still working hard, R. Kelly aficionado Anthony Houlahan, eventually decided it was time to ring the changes. Cometh the hour (John4:23), cometh the Man… and Owen Monaghan duly entered the battlefield. Fueled on cheese cubes, pot noodles and pickled onion monster munch all washed down with tizer, Monners rolled back the years – and in the process plugged a large gap in midfield that had threatened to derail the SCC.

Reassured by the Manobier Mauler’s presence, the SCC then promptly started to go through the gears. Aleks going close twice in quick succession, as Bernd pulled off two great saves. Liam and Kike also had good chances too, as the Rangers’ woodwork started to see more action than an autumnal gold beard, on a one armed antipodean’s face.

Eventually Somerset’s finest, Ross Plain, entered the fray, and shortly afterwards showed us all how it was done. Following some neat play from Jack and an incisive pass by tmesis obsessive, Tim Walter, Rossco cut in from the right and rifled home the winner. 2-1 SCC.

A few more changes followed with Holland’s answer to the Tutsi tribe, young Dirk van Rijn, slotting neatly in at the back to shore up our defence. Some brisk interplay, started by Owen, followed and Rangers’ final resistance was broken when Aleks eventually slid in, at the back post, after a 64 pass move. 3-1 SCC.

Congratulations to the SCC Firsts who are rightly back at the top after an exiguous blip last year. Fortunately with normal service resumed, 2017 is already looking like a better year for everyone. The world can sleep easy once again. Don’t believe me? Frexit has already been thwarted.

You’re welcome."

Man of the match for Rangers must go to Bernd who pulled off some serious heroics in between the sticks, although Jordan also ran tireless in midfield and deserves a mention.

For the SCC Firsts the Man of the Match award, was well contested by many of the subs. Owen came close but eventually the award went to Hutch, who discovered his 9th new position of the season in the middle of the park.

Thank you to Rangers for a well contested game and for raising the bar for the League last season.

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